Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.
What's wrong with me? Addiction?
Sexual Addiction is an immature and destructive relationship with an object (drugs, food, alcohol) or experience (sex, gambling) which takes on a repetitive life of control over the healthy aspects of personality. The SAM's (Sexually Addictive Man) way of thinking, feeling, valuing, behaving becomes dominant, deviant and destructive. It's an unnatural, immature way of taking care of one's emotional and self-feeling needs. The Euphoric experience of sex convinces the SAM that sex is the way to change one's negative feelings positively. Sex is a mood changing experience. The person has discovered that when he cannot tolerate or cope or endure certain negative feelings, sex is a relieving substitute. He becomes hooked on sex. Negative feelings such as feeling weak, powerless, helpless, hungry, empty, tired, stressed, uneasy, bored, restless, guilty, shame, angry, lonely, disconnected from others or lacking intimacy, acceptance, belonging and closeness to others; are the typical feelings that the addictive person learns by practice to replace with sex.
The normal place of sex in the life of a person serves as a celebration of mutual pleasure and love in a marital relationship. It brings intimacy instead of distancing. It is an act of giving and receiving rather than self-indulgence. It does not have as its primary purpose and goal to relieve stress and to substitute for other vitalizing experiences and relationships. It is not engaged in out of compulsive need but to engage in cooperative joy and affection.
SAM's often don't realize that they are sexually addictive until they are faced with some crisis related to their sexual lifestyle or behavior. Even then they might minimize it. This unawareness is a cunning denial going on. In stead they have a mental system to justify, rationalize, and explain to themselves their need for sex or the harmlessness of it. For some, only complete shameful disclosure to family or community, or criminal charges and legal action force them to say "I am a sexual addict and I need help!" For others, it's an emotional and mental breakdown which precipitates help. You might be saying right now, "Oh, it's nowhere that severe for me!"
Sexual Addiction is a species unto itself! If you are caught up in sexual addiction and compulsive behavior, 
then you need to know that this is the cunning, and deceptive monster you're dealing with. You need to know it has a name, a face, and characteristics of its own. As hard as it may be to say "I am a sexual Addict!", it's much better to say it, admit that you're dealing with a bear, and get on with doing what you have to do; 
rather than denying it or pretending you're dealing with a mouse. Your healing will not even begin until you admit to the severity of your problem and your need for help from others. Admission and surrender is the weakness which begins to build strength.
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
So let me introduce you to John! John is sexually addictive! Once when John was in counseling
he said, “I notice a pattern in me about when I am most often tempted to engage in some sexual behavior. It has to do with times when I have been under a lot of pressure or stress at work. After some stressful project at work is completed I feel very tempted to do something sexual. What do you think that's all about?
It's called a “reward response" I said. It has to do with the fact that when we have sustained periods of stress and tension we experience an emotional emptying. It's as if much our inner supply of self-contentment or vitalization is used up, and therefore it must be replaced by some intensely pleasurable experience. If you listen very closely to the voice inside John, you'll hear a message that says something like, 'You deserve an intense exciting sexual experience after all you've been through!' It can also sound like, 'I have been good and responsible so long, now it's time for a little fun and excitement to make up for the effort I've made.' John heard that kind of thinking inside himself. Do you recognize that voice?
John said, “Yes, I do. You know, I've always had this subconscious attitude or secret phrase I'd say inside of me, that no matter what I have to put up with as a mature, responsible person, I can always return to sex -especially masturbation- as a way to comfort myself and please myself. I remember as an adolescent that I would masturbate almost every day -sometimes two or three times a day- after school as a kind of reward for the pressures and stresses that I felt as a teen.
Cycle of Sexual Addiction
People who come from dysfunctional families, like John's, where they had to learn to cope with stress and pressures as a way of life, often resort to euphoric outlets like sex, drugs, alcohol or eating, as ways of rewarding themselves. John had a couple of addictions. They have some difficulty in tolerating lengthy periods of time when they must live under constant self-control, duty and responsibility. It's as if the 
child in them must be regularly rewarded. Sex is a reward. They want everything to be pleasant. Except that the reward is not healthy and mature like hobbies and sports or exercise. A Cycle of addiction soon develops. The feelings of discomfort becomes a trigger to act out sexually (often masturbation) instead of a positive response such as involvement with others, hobbies or pastimes. The acting out eventually leads to pain again and a cycle of addiction has developed.
Fortunately for John, he spent a stint in the Marines and overcame his cycle of addiction, learned to cope more effectively with unpleasant feelings and eliminated his sexual addiction. What? Do you have to join the Marines to overcome sexual addiction? For some it really works!
Carnes says,
Sex addicts come from all walks of life - they may be ministers, physicians, homemakers, factory workers, salespersons, secretaries, clerks, accountants, therapists, dentists, politicians, or executives, to name just a few examples. Most were abused as children -- sexually, physically, and/or emotionally. The majority grew up in families in which (some form of) addiction already flourished, including alcoholism, compulsive eating, or compulsive gambling. Most grapple with other addictions as well, but they find sex addiction the most difficult to stop.
Paul gives us this wake-up call in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, 18-20. He says, “
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Or don't you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.
Various Sexual Compulsions
Unfortunately many Christians find themselves no different from the 600 self-identified sexually addicted people whom Patrick Carnes, one of the leading authorities on sexual addiction, surveyed. He identified 11 patterns of compulsive sexual behaviors. I have adapted these slightly.
Fantasy sex: frequent pornographic sexual fantasy and viewing leading to masturbation.
Seductive role sex: extramarital affairs (heterosexual or homosexual), flirting and seductive behavior.
Anonymous sex: engaging in sex with anonymous partners, having one night stands.
Paying for sex: paying prostitutes for sex, paying for sexually explicit phone calls.
Trading sex: receiving money or drugs for sex.
Voyeuristic sex: patronizing adult bookstores and strip shows, looking through windows of houses, having a collection of pornography at home or at work.
Exhibitionist sex: exposing oneself in public places or from the home or car, wearing clothes designed to expose
Intrusive sex: touching others without permission, using position of power (eg, professional, religious) to sexually exploit another person, rape.
Maso-sadist exchange: causing or receiving pain to enhance sexual pleasure.
Object sex: masturbating with objects, cross-dressing to add to sexual pleasure, using fetishes as part of sexual rituals, having sex with animals .
Child oriented: forcing sexual activity on a child, watching child pornography.
I have worked with Christians who have engaged in one or more of all the above forms of sexual compulsions. J.P. Schneider says that “sex addicts usually participate compulsively in more than one type of sexual behavior. For example, they may masturbate compulsively in addition to viewing pornography and patronizing prostitutes. Although some sex addicts are hypersexual, seeking sexual intercourse or orgasm several times daily, most are not. For the addict who has affairs, the euphoria may come from the thrill of the chase and conquest rather than from the sexual experience itself. Many sex addicts report progression of their addiction; that is, they have to take increasing risks or try new sexual behaviors to maintain the same euphoric effect.”
Internet Indecency
As is now well known, one of the greatest sources of sexual defeat for Christians is the accessibility they have to sexual sources from home computers. The internet has become a major source of increasing sexual temptation for both Christians and non-Christians. It offers several forms of virtual or online sex and sexual opportunities of exchange. Sometimes called cyber-sex, many Christians view various orientations of pornography, communicate with others about sex, or arrange a sexual tryst.
The connection between the expansion of the internet and the proliferation of pornography is well-established. In an example of secular humanistic bad advice, an American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) magazine reader seeking counsel on whether she should be concerned that her husband was viewing pornography online was told she should not be concerned. The advice columnist writer responded that, "level-headed adults can enjoy erotic pictures in private without undermining their relationships, their immortal souls, or the republic." He recommended that the woman, in a non-judgmental manner, approach her husband about his web-surfing habits and "reassure him that you don't think he's doing a bad thing, or that you're living with the devil." He suggested that she and her husband could use the pornography to improve their sex life. What godless advice!
Yet what may not be so well known is that one of the fastest growing internet businesses is child pornography. Some estimates say that since 1997, the number of child pornographic images of minor children on the internet has increased 1500%. It is also estimated that some 120,000 websites featuring child pornography currently exist.
Are you a Sexually Addicted person? Let's find out!
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Answer these Questions: Rate numbers 1 through 5 on this scale, [1= not true at all, 2=slightly true, 3=true, 4=more true than not, 5=very true. If you’re unsure or don’t know, rate it a 3. Item number six has it’s own rating]. 1. Inheritance: Do you know of anyone in your background that had sexual addiction issues, sexual functioning issues or sexual abuse issues? Cousins, in-laws, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, parents. Go back to your grandparents if possible. 2. Trauma: Did you experience any sexual trauma as a child? Sexual initiation, abuse, pornography. Do you remember excitement at learning about sex, or an early very euphoric and exciting experience with sex. Did you experiment with sex? Was there any voyeurism, exhibitionism, initiating sex with another or others? 3. Shame: Shame is a sense of not measuring up or feeling adequate as a person. Do you remember being very secretive and embarrassed about sex? Do you remember viewing sex as something you didn’t want to admit to or acknowledge? Do you have shame, low self-esteem or low self-image related to sex even now? Do you still carry some sexually related regrets and events which are very hard to forget or forgive yourself about? Did masturbation become, or is, compulsive (more than once a week to once a month is considered compulsive). 4. Anxiety and depression: Do you recall being very sensitive emotionally as a child? Did you cry about things, throw tantrums, be very angry or upset? Were you depressed, lonely, an isolate, by yourself a lot? Did you get frightened and fearful or phobic when you were a child? 5. Attitudes and learning about sex: How did you learn about sex? Was your learning about sex very personal and secretive? Did you feel strange or uncomfortably aware of your parent’s sexual life? Was sex dirty, filthy, vulgar, offensive, very exciting? Did you feel any compulsiveness about sexual images, pornography or nudity?
6. Add a "1" for each of the items below, and add these to the score from above.
+Recurrent failure to resist sexual impulses. +More extensive/longer sexual acting out than intended. +Ongoing, but unsuccessful, efforts to stop, reduce, or control behavior. +Inordinate time spent obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experiences. +Feeling preoccupied with sexual behavior and/or preparatory activities. +Acting out takes significant time away from obligations: occupational,academic, domestic, or social. +Continuation of sexual behavior despite consequences: +Risk of some STD +Lost partner or had marital problems +Lost rights to be with children +Risk arrest +Spiritual or Religious conflicts +Self-image deterioration +Depression, remorse, self-hatred +Tolerance - More frequency or intensity of behavior is needed over time to obtain the desired result. Have you escalated or elaborated the stimuli? +Have you deliberately limited social, occupational, or recreational activities to keep time open for acting out. +Distress, restlessness, or irritability if unable to engage in sexual behavior (withdrawal symptoms) +Dizziness +Body aches +Headaches +Sleeplessness +Restlessness +Anxiety +Mood swings +Depression +Irritability +Other compulsive replacements (eating, buying, etc) |
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Overall Rating: Add and total your ratings for the 6 areas above according to these descriptions. 1. Severe Sexual Addiction = 41 or more  2. Prominent Sexual Addiction = 28 to 40  3. Some Sexual Addiction = 19 to 27  4. Slight Sexual Addiction = 10 to 18 5. Insignificant Sexual Addiction = 1 to 9 What is your rating and description? What do you feel about this?
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Describe your attitudes, values and experiences (positive or negative) about sex at each stage of your life up to the present. See if you can identify one issue or event that was sexually related at each stage. 1. Childhood -ages 3-10 2. Pre-adolescent -ages 11-14 3. Adolescent -ages 15-19 4. Young adult -ages 20-25 5. Middle adult -ages 26-36 6. Late adult -ages 37-55 7. Early elderly -ages 56-65 8. Middle elderly -ages 66-75
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Let us Pray:
Father, I am not happy to discover that I have a tendency to be -it’s hard to say the words- a “sexual addict”. But according to the test I just took, that’s what I am. Sexuality is dysfunctional in my life, and I just have to face it and admit it to You Lord. You said the truth will set me free. And I believe You, I trust You Father God. I want to be set free, even though there is a part of me that is still attached to sexual things and behavior. I’ve come this far Father. I’ve come to know more about myself and what the causes of my sexual sinning is about. I need Your divine Counselor to take me to the next step. Help me to grow and gain control and be healed. If I didn't know that you love me and that you loved me so much that you gave your own Son so that I would not perish, I would be very discouraged. But I trust You Father and I trust Jesus’ Name. I pray and ask this in his Name. Amen!
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___________Assignment____________
Please keep notes in a notebook or in a Word Document on your computer. Answer these:
- What was your overall numerical and animal rating? Discuss! Reflect/Respond to Hebrews 13:5-6
- Do you recognize the Cycle of Addiction in yourself? Comment? Reflect/Respond to Psalm 145:14-16
- Disclose which of the 11 compulsive sexual behaviors you have engaged in! Dis
cuss at least 5 of the issues that stand out for you in the questionnnaire.Report the results of, and comment on anything significant on the stages of life material! Reflect/Respond to Psalm 121: 1-3,5,8
- What are you working on this month which emerged from this material? What questions and issues do you have for our discussion? Reflect/Respond to Psalm 3:3-6
Write out your thoughts in a word document. Then highlight, copy and paste them into an email, or send by post if you prefer. Just use your initials. Send to wconsiglio2@comcast.net
Dr Bill Consiglio, 876 Shepard Ave, Hamden CT 06514
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