Sexual Addiction therapists often identify some 10 steps or stages which sexually addicted people go through. You will surely recognize these for yourself. I have modified these somewhat to convey what I have learned about sexual addiction.
1. The Emotional Set-ups
As we move through these forty days I will be describing what I call the "Devitalized Personality" (DP). I believe all sexually addicted people share elements of this type of personality. I'll describe it later in some detail. For now, let me simply say that the DP is the first stage of addiction because it sets you up for emotional trouble. It is a condition which makes you feel empty, emotionally hungry, lonely, poorly about yourself, cut off and not in touch with yourself. Because you feel the pain of this condition, you are chronically vulnerable to some forms of addiction to relieve or cover over this pain. Other set-ups may be tiredness, pressures, stresses, conflicts, antagonisms, fears, let-downs, put-downs, failures, defeats, and circumstances which cause you disappointment. If you experience these kinds of set-ups, and the next stage takes place, you are most vulnerable to your addiction behavior.
2. Triggers
Triggers are any sensual stimulation through the eye, touch, ear, experience or even smell which is overtly homoerotic. This may start in the imagination and thought life. Frequently it does. Sexually addictive people often use their memories, imaginations, and fantasies to self-stimulate or kick start their sexual addictive cycles. The internet, cruising areas, bars, bookstores, pornography, videos, chat rooms and the like are all triggers. Even visual lusting on tv or on the street can act as triggers. If you link a trigger to a set-up, the sexual addiction cycle is underway.
3. Stress-Relief-Pleasure Production
The sexual addict has a chemical reaction (druglike neurotransmitters) in the brain and nervous system that links sexual stimulation and stress relief, pleasure production. He immediately begins to feel an adrenaline-like, or caffein-like rush that comes from anticipatory sexual behavior. The emotional pain from his set-up condition, whether it be his DP or the stresses and pressures in his relationships or environment, dissipates and diminishes. As soon as he enters the sexual arena he is feeling better. This linking of sex and chemical pleasure becomes so ingrained and instantaneous that there is no thought involved. He immediately feels better and relieved, and wants to feel even more better and more relief. He begins to anticipate the climax of orgasm.
4. Planning-Anticipating
Now he begins the hunting and planning process. It may be as immedite and fast as going to a computer chatroom or porn site. It may be more elaborate and time consuming as he talks his way through a chat room or a cruising area encounter to arrange a rendevous for sex. The hunt and anticipation produces a euphoria which is a major part of the addictive cycle.
5. The Encounter
Whether it be a person or a porn site or a magazine or the video he brings home, he finally makes the connection or encounter to the personal or impersonal object of his sexual escape.
6. The Climax
The climax or act of sexual explosion is inevitably an orgasm. Masturbation or mutual stimulation of one kind or another must result in orgasm to be fully gratifying. The pent-up power of sexual excitement must be released and with with it all the tension, stress, and pain of the forgotten and repressed set-ups. Of course, this doesn't always happen, and some are content with the exctement generated by the hunt and the connection, and may even forego the climax.
7. Tranquility
Now there is a brief or even lengthy moment of tranquility in which the chemistry of the body and brain comes to rest, the tension is reduced in the body and the underlying emotional stresses are at their lowest. There is a numbness which provides a time of detachment from the usual high pressures of the DP.
8. The Letdown and Remorse
..........After it's over, because you are Christian man with whom the Spirit of God resides, you experience an emotional and spiritual letdown and remorse. There is a positive and a negative aspect of this stage. Positively, you should experience remorse and letdown, because you have sinned and distanced yourself from God. God has not abandoned you. Neither have you become an atheist or lost your salvation. But you know that you have separated yourself from God. If you didn't feel any remorse and regret it would be a sign of being in a very backslidden and callous state.
..........Negatively, you must distinguish between the Holy Spirit's voice which calls you to repentence and renewal and gives you hope for beginning again; and the voice of Satan who would tell you that you are worthless, a total failure, and that God hates you. Your low-esteem may also contribute to long periods of despair and discouragement. It's the voice of the Spirit of Christ Jesus in you which must be heeded. He calls to the reality of your sin, asks you to regret it and repent of it, and also calls you to renewed faith and fortitude to go forward.
9. The Promise-Commitment-Vow
..........The Spirit calls you to the next stage of resolution, commitment and a decision to go forward and grow as a Christian man. THis is a good time for prayer, a prayer like: "Father, I know I have sinned. You know my weakness. I also know that you love me and have made me your child. I confess my failure to you, I ask your forgiveness. I seek to become clean and new again. I know you will forgive me. I know that you want me to draw close to you. I know that what Satan intended for evil, you will turn unto good. I want to restore my relationship to you Father. I step out in faith and call upon you right now. Hear my prayer! Renew me, restore me, refresh me and revive me Holy Spirit of God. Father, I pray and say this all in your Son's name; in the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen!"
10. The Re-cycling
..........There is often the re-cycling of these stages. You may feel (1) a faithful, fervent, renewal of faith right now after stages 8 and 9. In time you will undoubtedly slip into a (2) floating stage of somewhat less fervency and faith and maybe neglect and indifference. This can lead to a fighting and resisting stage and a giving in to sin again. Finally, you may find yourself in a floundering stage of sin and insensitivity to the things of the Spirit and God.
ACTION
1. So, you recognize yourself? Right? Where are you right now? Which of the four re-cycling stages are you at?
2. Give me a specific and somewhat detailed example from your past life when you went through each of the ten stages related to sexual addiction.