You may discover a great release and spiritual lifting by this kind of deliverance prayer. Please perform this ceremony with your list. Give me a written report on the results.| Worksheets | I-40 Program | Daily Accountability Report | RH Website |
It is advisable to make a detailed exploration of your behavioral history. This helps to "clean up" the past and follow the trail of your struggle with Sexual Attraction (SA), Homosexual Re-enforcement (HR) and Homosexual Identity (HI) which emerged in your life. It also helps you to see the whole picture of your sexual life. Try to recall every event, every incident, every experience. After you make such a list, try to reflect upon it and summarize it. Here is Joe's list. It demonstrates how obsessive sex had become for him.
-showing my penis to a girl and boy in the basement at age 8
-discovering pornography and getting a bit obsessed with it.
-sharing pornography with a friend
-going looking to find pornography
-mutually showing our penises with my friend S and looking at his father's pornography
-wrestling with S and feeling aroused
-I remember "strangling" my penis and even experimenting with taking a cigarette as close to it as possible. I have no idea what this was about. It sounds like it's in the category of "penis obsession". I remember another boy telling that he saved all his ejaculate for two months in a bottle to see how much he could collect. That sounds disgusting to me! Not my thing at all!
-Condoms fascinated me.
-compulsive masturbation starts at age 13
-kissing girls and trying to be sexual with them
-being sexual with two younger brothers
-touching and sexually horse-playing with younger boys
-falling in love in high school with a male friend
-being caressed by an older gay man when an adolescent
-dating girls and going to dances and feeling very "normal"
-having a relationship with a slightly older male who I later discover is gay, but at the time I had no idea that he was. I probably enjoyed his interest in me though he never acted inappropriate in any way.
-being mutually sexual as an adult (age 30) with a male friend
-continued binges of pornography and compulsive masturbation
- adult experiences of crushes and falling in love with adult males
"When I look over this list, certain things stand out. I feel a lot of shame. Another is how preoccupied I really was with sex though being sure no one but I knew this. I really fooled myself into thinking that sex was not important to me, but this list says it was. I was super uncomfortable about revealing or admitting my sexual interest. It is obvious I didn't feel integrated with my sexuality. This was true even before I felt homosexual feelings. Another is that I can see how early it started which tells me that I was possibly exposed to some subtle abuse at an early age. In fact I know that my mother would fondle my genital area when I was a toddler. She thought she was just being playful. I think I was also exposed too early to witnessing my father and mother having sex and also pornography was too accessible. Not so much in my own home but in the neighborhood. My sexual interest was always with younger males by and large. I have always been compulsive about masturbation. Probably never stopped masturbating for anything less that a month my whole life. "
It is likely that Joe did experience some early forms of sexual exposure and "abuse". To some extent most men who begin to experience homosexuality were boys in whom sexuality was both not integrated well and became obsessive. Joe certainly has a history of Homosexual Re-enforcement, though he never even considered a Homosexual Identity in any serious way.
I'd like you to perform this ritual ceremony of prayer and deliverance with your own list:
Once you have composed your own detailed inventory of sexual behavior and sins of the past , and have written them down on paper, I'd like to suggest that you take each item and offer it to the Lord in prayer asking him to remove all connection and association and evil associated with it, including praying for a blessing upon any person involved, and forgiveness as is needed. Then, cross the item out with a pencil. When you have completed the whole list; burn it! For instance, in Joe's list above, Joe might pray:
ITEM:
-ITEM: -mutually showing our penises with my friend S and looking at his father's pornography.
ITEM: -wrestling with S and feeling aroused.
You may discover a great release and spiritual lifting by this kind of deliverance prayer. Please perform this ceremony with your list. Give me a written report on the results.