8. Affirming others instead of using, neglecting or judging. As much as is possible eliminate judging things and people in your mind or verbally. Cut out the inner criticism, negative judgments and disapproval. This doesn’t mean that you should be blind to error or sin or faults, but don’t dwell on these in others or yourself. If someone is in sin or error, correct them lovingly.

But most importantly, affirm others. Tell them genuine things that you admire and like about them. Praise people for assets and qualities they have. Find the good things in people that can be affirmed. Do this instead of criticizing judging, finding fault, using people to meet your own needs, or ignoring the worth and good in others. "You know, you really are very good at that; I like the way you understand things...You’ve got a gift that I admire."

9. Trusting instead of suspecting/expecting bad things.

Develop a posture of trust of others and God as much as you can. This may not be easy if you have had early experiences with being hurt or disappointed by others. But try to make innocent, childlike trust real on the basis that God is our Father who cares, protects, looks out for, and provides for His children. Make trust your prayer posture continuously. "Father, I trust You, rely and depend on You!" Extend trust to others! How? Trust people with your time (when someone wants to make small talk with you, for instance), your possessions (lend someone a book at the risk of not getting it back), your love (really care about that homeless person by doing something), your friendship (to a child at church who seems neglected or shy).

l0. Assertive instead of withdrawal and sulking.

When there is a need to reasonably show disapproval or dislike or diffculty with someone’s behavior or issues, you must assert yourself. Devitalized people have the tendency to always be Mr. Nice guy (not in a mature way but a neurotic, fearful way), allowing others to cross your boundaries, or offend you without you confronting them. DP’s are fearful of disapproval or assertiveness because it may imply rejection. So they frequently absorb hurts and disagreements or go along with things which they really should say "no!" to. Try practicing saying "No" more often, (you can at least once a day) or saying things like, "That’s not acceptable to me, I don’t like the way you handled that," etc.

ll. Loving instead of withholding.

Don’t assume that people know you love them, tell them! Say to those closest to you "I love you!" point blank. Stop assuming they know or beating around the bush. But reserve those words for only special people. Don’t say it to just anyone. Say it to God, "Jesus, Father, I love you!" Act in love to someone less fortunate, some child or adult who needs to be given love. Even make a sacrifice for love by helping someone when it is inconvenient and without reward. Send that get well note, make that visit to the hospital, make that telephone call, send an E-Mail, say those words of appreciation, drop a note to your parent or pastor or friend, etc.

l2. Genuinely self-nurturing instead of self-depreciating.

Allow time on a regular basis (weekly) for something that is "just yours". But don’t let it become # 4 above. A rewarding hobby, interest, project, avocation, activity that absorbs and satisfies you. Make time for yourself; for wholesome self-nurturing; feed yourself good experiences, enjoyments, rewarding activities which provide a sense of contentment (movies, reading, opera, musicals, athletic events)

Step back from that painting (project, activity) and be pleased at what you did.. If you don’t nurture yourself in wholesome ways you’ll look for it in less wholesome ways (Pseudo-vitalizing ways) or find yourself reverting to negative internal talk of self-abuse; telling yourself how bad you are. Instead admiting you are a good person who sometimes makes bad choices.

l3. Smell the flowers ("Backgrounding") instead of Foregrounding.

Begin to recognize your environment; the environment of nature and the natural. Take a walk in the woods or on a trail and observe the beauty of God’s creation. Devitalized people live only in the foreground of life (busy, competitive, preoccupied with getting by, surviving, sensual) and neglect the background of life in nature. Vitalizing people stop to smell the flowers, look at a sunset, count the stars at night, wonder about the universe, watch a bird at the feeder, play with a pet or a child, snuggle with a teddy bear, listen to the ocean, laugh, dance, frolic, roll on the floor; get absorbed in a great symphony turned up exceptionally loud while driving in your car, or singing at the top of your lungs.

l4. Ruthless Honesty and Accountability

Devitalized and compulsive/addictive people tend to engage in self-deception, denial, hiding, secretiveness, deceiving of others, outright lying, stretching the truth to make themselves look better to others, or concealing the whole truth to protect their delicate self-esteem. They compartmentalize their lives into black and white, good and bad. They say to themselves, "I’d rather not do that now; I’ll put that difficult thing off; I’ll avoid that as much as I can, etc" Such behavior and self-talk is the death-blow to recovery of a vitalized and non-addictive personality. Such dishonesty, avoidance and compartmentalization keeps you divided, guarded and defended from the truth about yourself.

When you risk facing what is difficult and being ruthlessly honest and open, a chain of positive changes occurs: (l) First, you start to close the gaps between your public and private and profound selves. In other words, you begin to experience yourself as integrated and whole rather than compartmentalized, disunified and dissassociated one self from another. (2) This causes you to experience a new authenticity, genuineness and realism inside, which leads (3) you to end the false, phony, unrealistic expectations of perfection which you have been living under, and (4) in turn this leads to an intimacy with yourself which opens the door to real self-acceptance, self-liking and less self-dislike. (5) Such self-acceptance makes you more confident to reach out to others and to God in a healthy relationship which is real, nurturing and rewarding; and such healthy, mutual nurturing makes it unecessary to collect unwholesome, short-lived, eupohic experiences.

If you are dealing with addictive sexuality, you must be honest with yourself and others about admitting you are addictive/compulsive; that you have a problem; that you are not only what others think of you or what you want them to think about you but that you are also a person in transition and change. You must be honest about your weakness, your failures and vulnerability to sexual acting out. You must be honest about your need for help. Saying to God, "I am weak, I am vulnerable, I can’t handle this without your grace," is most important. "In your weakness is My strength made perfect in you. My Grace is sufficient for you."

Therefore you must practice ruthless honesty and accountability with "someone". There must be someone in your life (sponsor, counselor, friend) with whom you come absolutely "clean" about the nitty-gritty details of your troubled behavior, acting out, shameful thoughts and desires. Someone with whom you hold nothing back and expose the shameful, embarrasing, unflattering side of your compulsive/addictive life. Only this kind of truth telling will set you free! This someone must be one who offers you unconditional, non-judgmental acceptance.

15. Authentic prayer.

The honesty spoken about above extends to your relationship with God. You will find yourself cutting out all the formulas, reading about and studying about prayer or using other’s prayers or methods. Instead, you will want to go to God’s heart and have a few real minutes of conversation with God from your heart in spirit, truth and honesty. It’s better than all else. One minute of the burning bush is worth more than hours of all the beating around the bush with God. One method for doing that is to pray your "name". Yes, your "name"! Get quiet before God and say, "God; Father, Jesus; this is _(your name)." Say that over a few times sincerely. You will find yourself experiencing the moving of God’s Spirit through you in a clensing, convicting, convincing, loving, authentic way. Continue with "Father,You know me, You know all about me. I don’t have to hide or pretend with You" And go from there!.

16. God’s Word.

Five minutes of reading, receiving and reflecting on a passage of Scripture every day with attention and in the Spirit is God’s way of speaking to you. It’s worth more than hours of other Bible study methods which may also be valuable.

l7. Give Yourself Away today.

It is very important that you find opportunities in spontaneous or planned ways to "give yourself away". This means that you should find some moments or planned time to do an act of kindness, helpfulness, courtesy, or ministry to someone. It is most important for you to go out to others in helping, caring ways. Is there a nursing home patient you could befriend and visit periodically? Is there a homeless person on the street that you can approach with some money? Is there a elderly person you could help get their groceries into their car? Is there an upset child you can talk to? Is there a family member you haven’t called in awhile? Is there someone to visit in a hospital?

l8. Same Gender Bonding