My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into various testings; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith works patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

What do I have to do Inside?

             For Christians who are compulsive and addictive about sex, [SAM], one of the keys to understanding their lack of self-control as we saw, is that sexual excitement and euphoria has become a primary way they use to feel alive and vitalized, even if it is for the short time of sexual build-up and orgasm. So, in reality, sexual acting out behavior is only incidentally about sex, it is rather rooted in the need to be vitalized; to feel euphoric; to experience an intense pseudo-vitalizing experience. But, of course, it is really “pseudo” that you experience. It is a counterfeit and often a harmful, self-destructive form of feeling vitalized because it reenforces itself and allows for no substitutes. You are hooked on sexual excitement to make yourself feel o.k., alive and "satisfied". Not really satisfied but "gratified"! But it's false, deceptive, artificial, and full of shame, guilt, discouragement, and moral defeat. The Christian no sooner engages in some sexual activity when he immediately feels alienated from God, dirty, hypocritical and phony. This is the convicting of his conscience and the the Holy Spirit.His self-esteem drops and he becomes self-hating and discouraged.
             
Look at Fred!

With tears forming at the corners of his eyes, Fred told me the story of when he was first molested by his older brother Todd. Fred was ten and his brother was fourteen. Later the two of them molested their younger sister. In their family where both mother and father were consumed with work and making ends meet, they had little supervision after school, and that's when the sexual experimentation happened. Fred shuffled in his seat, looking away from me as he went on with his story.
             At first Fred viewed sexual experimentation as a daring adult activity that was exciting and dangerous. Mom and dad were very religious people and they saw it as a challenge to never be found out by their parents. Fred also felt very guilty and ashamed of what he was doing. But after awhile when Todd went off to college, Fred was consumed with sex in every way. He had collected many pornographic videos and masturbated frequently.
             When he went to college he said he had sex with a different girl almost every night. His college career suffered and he dropped out after his Freshman year to join the Navy. In the military he found even more opportunities for continuing his sexual addiction. He discovered a vast night life at bars and hangouts where both men and women were always available for sex. He was hooked!
             Then he met a sweet Christian girl named Cheryl whom he really adored. She made it clear that she would not be sexually involved with him before marriage. And for the year before they started planning to get married he continued to secretly seek women for sex, feeling terribly guilty and hypocritical. But during that year he started going to church, and when he accepted Christ as his Savior, he felt convicted of his sexual lifestyle and realized that he had to do something about his addiction. He read these words from Ephesians 2:1-5;
As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

             He didn't know if he could enter into marriage without telling his future wife about himself and was afraid that his addiction would only destroy the relationship he cherished. He entered counseling to seek help for what seemed a life completely out of control.
             Fred learned early in life that sex offered a pseudo-vitalization, it gave him a feeling of being alive. Sex was a high, a euphoric experience, an emotional, physical, chemical intensity on which he was hooked. But sex of this kind replaces intensity for intimacy. It is devoid of real relationship and the kind of mature love that cares and seeks the other's happiness.
             This became a humbling reality for Fred when he met Cheryl. Fred had to face and deal with his chronic state of devitalization which was the underlying problem of his sexual out-of-control behavior. SAM's sometimes have difficulty maintaining a vital, rewarding, satisfying lifestyle in an emotionally, interpersonal and spiritually mature way. This is what has to be learned. Fred, as all SAMs, had to unlearn feeling vitalized from sex as his primary source. Meeting Cheryl, a genuinely vitalizing relationship, initially diminished his turning to sex.
If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work. 2 Tim 2:21

             So Fred came to counseling. I could see that Fred was a baby in Christ but a committed Christian who was serious about changing. He was filled with shame about his past and the burden of not telling his future wife about it. I assured him that now that he was a child of God, the Lord would help him find a way to resolve these issues. But it wouldn’t be easy. We prayed about this together. I told him that since he had developed these compulsive habits of sexual behavior from childhood, and that they were tied to his sense of aliveness and wellbeing, it would not be an easy road out. There would be the “gutsy” struggle of learning to substitute other rewarding and vitalizing experiences for sex. There was a process of un-learning and re-learning which he had to begin. But Fred was a determined and eager learner.

Self-observation > self-objectivity > self-discipline > self-control


             One of the first things to do to recover self-control over your sexual behavior is to begin to observe your inner workings. Self-observation leads to self-objectivity which both lead to self-discipline and self-control.

Jesus said: Mark 7:21 For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.

             Why are you unable to stop sexual sinning? I wonder how you would answer that! Jesus said that sin arises from within the heart of a man, implying that the heart must undergo a fundamental change (new birth), a cleansing and healing by the Holy Spirit.
             What can you learn from Fred? Why was Fred unable to stop sexual sinning? Because on his own, he couldn’t help himself! He didn’t have the understanding of what was happening inside himself; in his inner man or heart, that led to sexual behavior. He rearely engaged in self-observation. He didn’t understand what leads to sexual behavior because he didn't know or intervene in what was happening inside. He didn't see what comes before sexual behavior. When he was tempted by some fantasy or image or thought, he immediately acted out sexually.
             He needed the help of the Holy Spirit to begin the process of self-observation. You need to become sensitive to the Holy Spirit's voice in this process. Here is a prayer to pray often throughout this Program:
"Father God, you promised to give your Holy Spirit, the Spirit Voice of Your Son Jesus, to be with me and in me when I was re-born as your son. I know Your Spirit dwells in me. Help me Father, to become more sensitive to His Voice, to hear His still, small voice, to heed His voice, and to follow his nudgings and leadings."

             Because Fred had not learned to observe himself inside, he had very little Self-objectivity when it came to himself as a sexual person. He was unable to stand back from the powerful sexual impulses he felt and look at them, talk to them, speak back to them with his own words and God’s Word. He was caught up in impulsive reactions. And Impulsiveness leads to Compulsiveness! Instead of hearing the Voice of the Holy Spirit saying, "Fred, hold it a minute. Look at what's happening. Look at where you're heading. Do you really want to fail again?" he would only hear his own impulsive voice saying, "Yeh, sex will feel good, I want it. I want it now!"
              Now without Self-observation and Self-objectivity, you are unable to develop Self-discipline. You have no strength to stop sexual impulses. You haven’t built any emotional or psychological or spiritual muscles to fight back when sexual impulses arise. Oh, perhaps sometimes you do. But how fleeting those times are! Isn’t that true? Discipline is much more than an occasional victory over your sexual impulses. Victory is continuous, growing strength to overcome the bio-chemical and psycho-emotional impulses that take over so quickly. Discipline means a "a regimen that develops or improves a skill", "behavior and order maintained by training and control", "to bring to a state of obedience by repetitive training." This means the need to practice these strategies you're using continually until they start to kick in by themselves.
             It’s self-discipline, practiced over and over again which leads to Self-Control. And that’s what you want! You want to gain self-control. You want to be able to say and know that you are not going to give in to sexual impulses when they rise up in you. You will not be giving in to them because you have learned the process of Self-observation>Self-objectivity>Self-discipline leading to Self-control, right now, and whenever you need it. This fourfold process is what you need to begin practicing over and over again this month.
See/Observe Yourself Stand back/objectify yourself
                                        Power/discipline yourself Gain control

Take a look at this diagram:


              Here's a typical example of the fourfold process when it is working well and not working well.
             You turn on your computer. A thought passes through your mind of a naked person.
You say to yourself, “I’d like to see a picture or video of naked people! I can access it so easily. Instantly I can call up a picture”. You are not observing yourself saying this, you're just saying it to yourself subtly (Step 1). This is all happening without awareness and very subjectively. Now your thought stimulates feelings and bio-chemical sexual, hormonal responses (step 2). Nothing intervenes to interrupt what is happening inside you, so it quickly, impulsively converts to behavior (step 3). You go to a website with naked people. Having gone this far without self-awareness or self-observation; without self-objectivity, and without self-discipline; you feel, and are, powerless to stop what’s happening and you once again are watching pornography (step 4).Here is what happened to you!


    NEGATIVELY
  1.      Unawareness leads to
  2.      Subjectivity, leads to
  3.      Impulsiveness, leads to
  4.      Powerlessness over sexual behavior

    The same experience could have gone POSITIVELY
  1.      Awareness of yourself leads to
  2.      Objectivity about yourself, leads to
  3.      Discipline of yourself, leads to
  4.      Control over your sexual behavior

At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. 8This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone. Titus 3

"Time was passing and I put off turning to the Lord. I could not bear the thought of staying out of a woman's embrace. I never considered that you might heal this weakness because I was not familiar with you. I was tied down by the desire for deadly sweet flesh. Alypius (my friend) was amazed that I, of all people, should be so preoccupied with sex. His mind, free from this bondage, marveled that I could be so enslaved. Meanwhile my sinning got worse. The woman I slept with had to be sent away. We had become attached to each other and this separation was very painful for me. I could not bear the thought of waiting two years for my wife. In fact, I really didn't want a wife. I wanted sex. So I found another woman and actually increased the flames of my passion."
Augustine - The Confessions.

   

The Three Steps! Key to Self-control Inside!

             If you have an understanding of the importance of Self-observation > self-objectivity > self-discipline > self-control, you will be gaining an inner awareness of your personality's functioning which will put you in charge of your internal life; your thoughts, feelings and experiences. You'll be able to think more rationally about things, take charge of unexpected feelings, and gain control over impulsive behavior.

             But there's something more. We want to help you take the learning you gain from Self-observation > self-objectivity > self-discipline > self-control, and use them when you are in the tight squeeze of temptation.

             Remember the example of your temptation about seeing a naked person and going to the internet? How can you deal with it positively? We want you to learn these THREE STEPS in dealing with temptation to sexual sin. These three steps are putting the self-observation, objectivity, discipline and self-control into practice inside.

Stop-Speak-Distract

              You have a thought about a naked person just as you sit down before your computer. You STOP and observe, "I'm having a sexual thought!" You stand back from yourself objectively and say, "Hey, I better be careful! This could be trouble for me!" (Self-observation; self-objectivity).
              Now you SPEAK to yourself (Self-discipline) about why engaging in pornography is self-destructive and sinful, "I will not engage in watching any pornography because I have some good reasons not to." You must come up with your own, and actually SPEAK them at the time of temptation (to yourself, or out loud). Here's a suggested list which might help you compose your own. Remember they have to be powerful for you. They must have deep meaning and feeling attached to them. Things about your Self, God, Others and perhaps your Work!

  1. (GOD) It will mess up my relationship to my Father God. I want to stay in fellowship with Him and not quench the Spirit. God loves me and I will not jeopardize that love. If I give in to this temptation I'll feel like I've backslidden once again, and I know how bad that makes me feel.
  2. (OTHERS) What if my wife, my kids, my church family knew that I was watching pornography? Look into their faces; go ahead, look into their faces! What will that make you feel like? Shame, shame, shame, devastated, rotten!
  3. (SELF) I know I'm going to feel rotten and discouraged and disgusted with myself if I do it! I will hit another miserable low in my life.
  4. (SELF) I know my self-esteem will plummit again and I will get depressed.
  5. (SELF) I don't want to feel like a hypocrite, a phony and a jerk!
  6. "I know I can do all things with the help of God"
  7. "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
  8. "Help me Lord Jesus Christ"
              Now you DISTRACT yourself (Self-control). You get busy with what you are supposed to be doing at the computer. Or, if the temptation continues, you get up, turn off the computer, and get involved in something else, talk to someone, sing a hymn, dance, etc. Distraction is very important with sexual temptations because with sexual arousal comes a bodily bio-chemical adrenalin change which does not shut down unless your mental-emotional attention is invested in something else. Men start becoming sexually aroused, experiencing erection and even the emission of sminal fluids. You don't want this to happen. You don't want to start touching yourself in any way! Disctraction is very important to shut-down the bio-chemical, sexual arousal systems.

If I would crucify the flesh,
That Christ in me might reign,
I must not spare my shrinking flesh
The crucifixion pain.

For if I hesitate to nail
The flesh upon the cross,
I crucify the inward Christ
And suffer endless loss

'Tis either Christ or selfish I:
What shall the answer be?
Let self be crucified , that Christ
Alone might live in me.
Max I. Reich - Sweet Singer of Israel

The Squeeze!

             But let's say up front that this process will cost some significant effort and self-discipline. It will cost you something! It will not come without effort and some changes in your life. It will need continuous repeating before you begin to experience victory. Every person confronting sexual impulses faces daily moments of what I call the "squeeze". It’s that existential moment - like the one above - when you are funneled into a tight squeeze of decision, forcing a "Yes to sin" or a "No to sin". When this "squeeze happens, you must muster the guts and painful fortitude to say "No" to sex. It’s a mere split second in time. But it's filled with tremendous tension and emotion. It's a moment when the Spirit voice of Jesus is urging you to say "No" to sexual behavior, and the voice of the devil and the carnal flesh are urging you to gratify yourself with sexual acting out behavior. Learning to recognize and manage the "squeeze", that critical moment of decision, is the critical beginning of gaining sexual self-control. And how is it done? By quickly employing the Three Steps [STOP, SPEAK, DISTRACT].
              The cost of training yourself to say “No” over and over again, and making it a habit, is well worth it because the rewards are many: A clear conscience, an end to the feeling of being a phony and hypocritical Christian, a closer walk with God and the experience of faithfulness, joy, peace and maturity in the Christian life. There is greater blessing and fruitfulness in your ministry, better emotional and mental health, and contentment in your relationships with others. Are not these things worth the effort and discipline it takes to gain control over sexual sin?
              Greater is HE (The Spirit of Jesus Christ) that is within you, than he (the devil) that is in the world.

Let's pray:
             Father God, I trust you and love you. I know it is no accident that you have led me to this program. You love me so much that you are working to grow me into a mature son, and to heal me of this burdensome compulsion of sexual sinning. I seek to learn, and change the things I can change. And if there is something I cannot change, I will still continue to obey you and live as pleasing a life that you desire for me. I pray this in your Son’s name, Jesus. Amen

I sing unto you Lord, a new song; for you have done marvelous things: your right hand, and your holy arm shall give me the victory in all areas of struggle in my life. I praise you Lord Jesus. Yours O Lord, is the greatness, and the power, and the glory, and the victory, and the majesty. I receive your strength and your power into my life this day. I know that it is not your will that I live in discouragement and despair. I realize that any hopelessness I may feel is the work of the enemy. Father, I renounce all despair, all hopelessness, all distrust in you. In your Name Jesus, with your blood Jesus, by your cross Lord, I cannot fail!

     ___________Assignment____________      
        Please keep notes in a notebook or in a Word Document on your computer. What have you learned about yourself in this reading? What kind of new action does this suggest? Consider these issues:
  1. In your own words how do you understand the relationship between Self-observation > self-objectivity > self-discipline > self-control?
  2. Give me a current or recent example of how you practiced greater self-observation/self-objectivity in other than sexual areas. Example: a relationship at work, an experience in prayer, at church.
  3. This month begin to use the Three Steps. Describe a few examples of your use of STOP, SPEAK, DISTRACT that worked or didn't work with regard to sexual temptation.
  4. What questions and issues do you have for our discussion? Reflect on Ephesians 5: 15-21.
Write out your thoughts in a word document. Then highlight, copy and paste them into an email, or send by post if you prefer. Just use your initials. Send to         wconsiglio2@comcast.net
Dr Bill Consiglio, 876 Shepard Ave, Hamden CT 06514