"For decades, research has shown that countering -substituting healthy responses for problem behaviors- is one of the most powerful processes available to changers (people giving up addictions). When you remove troubled behaviors without providing healthy substitutes, the risk of returning to old patterns remains high." (Changing for Good; Prochaska, Norcross, Diclimente; Morrow and Co, New York, 1994).
        Instead of the word "Countering" I use the more common words "substituting" or "exchanging". The point being that when a person is making progress in giving up some harmful addiction (drugs, alcohol, overeating, sexual behavior) and does not replace the loss of the addictive behavior or substance with something more positive, he runs the risk of relapsing or backsliding; returning to the old behavior.
        This is especially true for you, because the loss of sexual behavior which served as a main source of feeling "vitalized" leaves you void of other healthy vitalizing relationships. But this does not need to be the case. Our Father God desires to be your primary, priority source of vital life. Jesus specifically said that he came to bring us abundant life. In addition, the Lord intended that we experience vital relationships with other people, with a sound appreciation of your self, and in your various forms of work.
        These four vital relationships (God, Self, Others and Work) are absolutely important exchanges for your sexual addictive behavior. In fact, sexual addiction (all addictions) would never have become so prominant in your life if these other normal relationships had developed and flourished appropriately from childhood into adolescence and adulthood. They are not merely substitutes of unhealthy behavior, they are essenital God-given relationships for all people; for all of life.
         This learning will focus on the Self, Others, and Work relationships. Learning Six will focus on your relationship to God. But in addition to renewing and building these four relationships, there are other aspects of outside work like "cleaning house", self-vigilance", and dealing with masturbation.

        In spite of his spiritual sincerity, his Christian commitment and his desire to serve the Lord, 24 year old Adrian was emotionally immature. He was confused and deceived about his struggle with sexual behavior. He was in denial about it! He couldn't admit that he was a SAM who was dealing with same-sex attraction (SSA). He hadn't disclosed it to anyone. He couldn't find self-acceptance or reliance upon God in this area of his life. Privately he gave his sexuality too much attention, neglecting to build a real relationship with Christ. Instead of having his eyes on Jesus and his ears on the Holy Spirit voice within him, he was listening to the enemy. He could no longer listen to the inner voice of Christ's Spirit within him, and so didn't know how to benefit from the hidden life he had with Christ in God. His spiritual ears and eyes were dull and dim from quenching and disobeying the convicting Voice of the Spirit of Jesus in him. He was not developing his Father-son relationship with God. Emotional maturity and spiritual maturity go hand in hand. One cannot grow without the other. It eventually led to a crisis for Adrian. But the Lord used this crisis to begin Adrian's journey of healing.
        Adrian was in his third year of Bible School studying for the ministry when he got caught. He was found masturbating in front of his computer by his roommate while watching homosexual pornography. In great shame and remorse he shared with his roommate his problem with Same Sex Attraction (SSA). (See HOPE Ministries). After prayer and lengthy discussion, his roommate asked him to voluntarily tell his superiors, and he did. Later he confessed to his superiors that he had also secretly been engaged in voyeuristic activity in the men's locker rooms as well. He was asked to leave seminary and encouraged to seek help and would be evaluated at a later date for his possible return to school.
        Like many men who are SSA, Adrian seems unable to get his affection and closeness needs met with male friendships alone. Instead he feels he can only be satisfied if he has a relationship that is charged with an intimacy, an intensity, and an exclusiveness which is often obsessive and possessive. His needs are exaggerated and derive from primitive emotional losses. SSA men can't meet those needs consistently because they are broken in the same way, and straight men don't often offer this kind of intense relationship to other men. There are very few male friendships that offer such an emotional intimate relationship without it becoming sexual. This is a big dilemma for the man who is seeking to resolve and manage homosexuality.
        At the same time Adrian is a born-again Christian who genuinely loves the Lord, wants to serve Him, and seeks after holiness in his life. He sincerely wanted to serve the Lord in ministry. He knows what the Word of God says about homosexuality and believes it. So he is conflicted. He runs from the Lord to these relationships, gets hurt, and runs back to the Lord. This has been the story of his life for several years.

         There is a need to deal with some concrete realities in your lifestyle and environment. Sexual addiction is supported by the way you have arranged your environment. There are things in your life that must be eliminated. For instance, for Adrian, it was important to get a blocker on his computer so that he could not access pornographic sites. For another he needed some strict accountability which was begun in this Program. This is the kind of "outside work" Adrian had to do and you must also.

1. You must close the door to any former sexual partners, friends and associates. You must end all sexual relationships outside of marriage.

2. You must close the door to sexual associations and memories. Any sexual materials or items which maintain a hold on past sexual relationships such as letters, pictures, telephone numbers, clothing, items or gifts must go.

3. You must close the door to sexual activities and places. No pick-up or strip bars, cruising areas, prostitution establishments, porn shops, or the like.

4. You must close the door to any sexual entertainment and pastimes. No purposeful watching sexual related internet, movies or videos. Turn away quickly from any that come your way!

5. You must close the door to accessing sexual contacts or pornography. This refers to such things as the internet, pornography of any kind and phone contacts. There are many internet blocking systems which eliminate sexual material from your computer. If you need it, get it! If you have not taken these important actions, then don't expect the inside work to work because you're quenching the power of the Spirit in you. You know the Spirit voice of Jesus has told you to rid yourself of all such things!

        Almost every day for a Sexually addicted man (SAM) is an "S" day. He seldom has "A" days until he is well along in his healing and resolution of addictive-compulsive behavior. An "A" day is a day of "Abstinence" from all sexual phenomenon. An "S" day is a "Sexual" day in which sex arises in one form or another several times during the course of every day. In an "S" day there is some form of appetite or craving or indulgence in sexual thinking, desire, object or event throughout the day. You see an attractive person and you start lusting with your eyes!
The SAM is never completely free of sexual temptations. That's his lot because he is a sinner and a sexual compulsive. If he allows himself to indulge these little "foxes" all day, it won't be long before he feels OK about plunging into a major sexual activity. In addition these little "foxes" erode his spiritual life and cause him to start falling away from fervent, filial fellowship with the Father. You must discupline your eyes and thoughts!

        Mark is a 36 year old married Christian man. He has been a SAM since he was 15. He was involved with numerous girls during high school and college. Very few became steady girlfriends. Most were casual and frequent sexual partners. In his late twenties Mark met the woman he wanted to marry. Neither were saved Christians until they had two children and began attending a Baptist church. But before his salvation experience, and even though married, Mark continued to view pornography indiscrimately in motel rooms, watch women lustfully, sneak out to bars when he was on business trips and occasionally have sex with women he picked up. All this was unknown to his wife with whom he was also very addictively and demandingly sexual.
        Like many other SAMs, Mark lived every day with some indulgence of sexual sin without any awareness or effort to restrict his eyes, fantasies, thoughts or behavior. The Little Foxes" were running wild. Sexual indulgence of one kind or another every day, all day long, was so "natural" and "normal" to Mark that he was hardly conscious of it taking place. He thought of this as "normal" and assumed it was true for most men. His unsaved buddies were always talking about sex and their exploits. The unsaved world of TV, comedy clubs and the Internet confirm that this kind of behavior is a man's normal "right."
        It was only after he became saved, came under the conviction of the Holy Spirit Who convinces the world of sin, and began to seek accountability and counseling that he realized and admitted that he was a SAM; and that it was not healthy or normal male behavior. It was then that he understood that he had "S" days every day, and never "A" days. Not only was he being convicted for the need to gain self-control over compulsive sexual behavior, but also that free-flowing stream of obsessive, continuous thoughts, fantasies and visual indulgences.

        

The THREE STEPS STOP – Self-obsevation/Self-objectivity SPEAK – Self-discipline DISTRACT – Self-control

        As you intentionally and frequently use your Three Steps, you will increasingly learn to "catch" yourself early when you find yourself looking at someone or something with lustful desires; when you are starting to entertain sexual acting out thoughts, when you are flipping the channels on TV and come across a potential sexually stimulating person or scene; when you receive a sexually explicit pop-up on your computer, and the like. After awhile you should be able to turn away and not indulge these temptations very rapidly. Remember, you cannot allow to let the "little foxes" run wild in your field. You must make every thought captive to Jesus Christ.

2 Cor 10:3For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

         Masturbation, the intentional stimulation of yourself sexually for pleasurable orgasm, seldom if ever takes place without sexual thoughts, fantasies or pornographic images. The "need" to masturbate, as with the "need" for sexual intercourse, has both psychological and physio-chemical components. Except that the latter (intercourse) is more social, relational, outgoing, giving and loving, aside from being God's will. Masturbation is not a relational activity and seldom is such except for couples with particular medical or handicapping exceptions. Of course, intercourse which is forced or coerced does not qualify as fulfilling God's design for heterosexual intercourse in marriage either.

         Masturbation is therefore most often a self-centered and selfish activity. Furthermore it feeds the need for pornographic or sexual imagery. They are mutually dependent on one another. Thoughts, fantasies, indulgent desires and sexual imagery lead to masturbation. Masturbation, once begun, seeks thoughts, fantasies, indulgent desires and sexual imagery to enhance sexual pleasure.
         Therefore, if, as a Christian, you want to eliminate or significantly reduce masturbation (which is most important for a SAM), you must learn to not feed the desire with explicit or implicit sexual imagery or content; or with self-touching and self-stimulating activities.

SEE: Masturbation and the Bible

         A frequent side effect of masturbation is that it also dramatically reduces the capacity to love (e.g. it results in a marked dissociation of sex from friendship, affection, caring, and other normal healthy emotions and traits which help marital and family relationships). This sexual side becomes in a sense dehumanized.
         Researchers Evans and Jackson say, "Most masturbation addicts develop an "alien ego state" (or dark side), whose core is antisocial lust devoid of most values. Raw "id", in a sense. (The "natural man" in biblical terms). In time, the "high" obtained from masturbating to pornography becomes more important than real life relationships. It makes no difference if one is an eminent physician, attorney, minister, athlete, corporate executive, college president, unskilled laborer, or an average 15 year old boy. All can be conditioned into deviancy. The process of masturbatory conditioning is inexorable and does not spontaneously remiss."
         Many men realize that if they allow any masturbation at all, it is easy for them to start to become compulsive about it and before long they have made masturbation their primary sexual outlet (rather than intercourse with their wives). Furthermore, they realize that masturbation also feeds on pornography and vice versa. The more one masturbates, the more one seeks visual stimulation through fantasy or pornography. The more one uses pornography, the more one desires to masturbate.
         If you absolutely have to masturbate (which is questionable), attempt to do so quickly, as a sort of physical, biological release without accompanying fantasy or visual indulgence. In this regard, only masturbate when you feel you "must" or will "bust". But complete abstinance is the ideal for Christian men who are single or married.

         All people strive to be happy in life. That goes without saying! We all try to arrange our lives so that we feel stable, content and well. We try to arrange both our outer environment and our inner environment in such a way that we have a sense of outer-inner equilibrium, balance, stability. We all want to feel alive, useful, productive, loved and worthwhile (to name just a few).
        But at times the challenges, choices and changes of life disturb that equilibrium and we then work to resolve things and return once again to a state of happiness and stability.
        As you saw previously, I call this seeking after happiness and stability the state of feeling vitalized; of feeling fully alive and well, content and worthwhile, useful and productive, loved and appreciated by others, loved and cared for and close to God. Jesus came to bring abundant life which begins with a renewed relationship to God.
        The SAM also seeks to be vitalized but has learned a pattern of using sex as a primary source of being vitalized. This obsession-compulsion with sex is immature, unfulfilling, and destructive to life relationships, to self , and to his relationship with God. He is very vulnerable in a moment of "squeeze" to return to a sexual outlet. This is when he engages in pseudo-vitalizing sex.
        Being authentically and maturely vitalized seems to be related to our satisfaction in four areas: our relationship to our Self, to God, to some Others, and to our Work. These are the sources of true vitalization and contentment in life which God has provided. "Love God, love your neighbor, as you love yourself!"
        Without realizing just where their happiness and contentment is coming from, most people, after some self-examination, would tell you they are happy when these four areas are fulfilling and satisfying. Conversely, when there is dissatisfaction in one or more of these areas, you can be sure you are not feeling fully vitalized. Think about this for yourself!

The SAM who is effectively eliminating sexual addiction is at the same time replacing it with improvement, renewal and development of these four vitalizing life relationships. What signs will you see in yourself if you are making progress?
1. You are settling the underlying emotional, psychological, social issues related to the development of sexual addiction.
2. You are becoming increasingly more self-integrated, self-accepting, at peace with yourself and emotionally mature.
3. You are becoming predominantly free from obsessive sexual interests, pursuits or behavior.
4. You are growing as a person and as a Christian. You are forming and renewing healthy, wholesome relationships with others, God, yourself and your work.

1.With GOD

- In the next and final (free) Learning 6, we want to look at your spiritual life and your relationship to God in greater depth. It's that important and that vital to all other issues and dimensions of your life! That's why we give it a whole Learning by itself. But for now we want to examine your relationship to Others, to Self, and to Work. Each has at least three components. Remember the goal is to renew these as important and vital substitutes for the pseudo-vitalizing use of sex. If you are only elimination sexual behavior and not replacing them with healthy relationships to God, your Self, Others and your Work, you will ultimately not be successful.
        

2.With OTHERS

- Can you say, "I have good, intimate, rewarding, responsible relationships with some people I am very close to, and I have friends, associates and companions as well. I enjoy people and have fellowship with the family of God. My relationships are all meaningful, responsible and resolved." Is there some left-over work to do in person or in your heart with a person living or dead? Is there need for more intimacy with your spouse, forgiveness with a family member, responsibility for your children? Most people have someone in their past or present family life who they must reconcile with or resolve the relationship.
        First, your Family! It is our belief and conviction that sexual compulsions begin in the family and from early experiences with peers. Many times painful or shameful sexual experiences, which attacked self-esteem and sexual security have been suppressed, forgotten, repressed and sent to the unconscious burial ground of our lives. They need to be gently recalled by the Holy Spirit so that they may be healed and integrated into our lives rather than left as unresolved obstacles or as broken threads in the garment of personality. You can aid this healing process by beginning to recall both specific troublesome memories of events as well as feelings, impressions and experiences which occurred in your family, with your peers, and in your development. Work with these sentences as a way to begin:
I recall once when my father….
I recall how my mother….
I remember my sister….
I remember my brother…….
I had a friend with whom…
In childhood I often felt…
In elementary school…
In middle school…
In high school….
I remember this one experience especially when....
I sexually exploited ....
I was sexually exploited by.......

        When Ron began to gather his past together, stimulated by the above questions, the Spirit led him to recall some emotionally charged feelings, events and memories. “I recall once when my father hit me because I tried to stand up for myself. He didn't mean to hit me as hard as he did and I went flying against the wall. He never apologized for that. And after that incident I told myself I would never forgive him. I know now that I couldn't identify with my father as a male which left me with some unfinished sexual identity issues. On top of it, I recall how my mother would bribe me into doing things I didn't want to do at home. I began to feel that women were bossy and mean.
         In childhood I often felt like "crap!" In elementary school, I'd rather not remember it. In middle school it was a total humiliation. This is when kids started making fun of me because I wasn't as sexually sophisticated as they were. In high school I tried so hard to be "normal" it makes me want to cry. I lived such a secret life of sexual confusion right through high school. I began to masturbate frequently and found a place where I could get pornographic material. But no one had any idea that I had an intense, obsessive interest in sexual things"

         Is there anyone in your immediate family or family of origen with whom you know in your heart you need to resolve certain feelings or address certain wounded events or experiences? Who? How will you do it? When?
        Next, your Friends!Do you have friends? Is there anyone among your friends with whom you know in your heart you need to resolve certain feelings or address certain wounded events or experiences? Who? How will you do it? When?
        Last, your Companions! Is there anyone among companions at work or church with whom you know in your heart you need to resolve certain feelings or address certain wounded events or experiences? Are there people you could reach out to? Are there people you avoid? Who? How will you do it? When?
        

3.With SELF

Look at Body-Soul-Spirit -
        First, your Body! How do you feel and what do you think of your body; both past and present? How does God see your body? 1 Cor 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. What about body weight, exercise, diet and general health?
        Next, your Soul! Your soul may be thought of as your self-image and self-esteem. Are they is acceptable to you? Can you say; "I don't spend a lot of energy on having to defend myself." Take this Self-Esteem Questionnaire! Self-esteem is the way you feel about yourself. Self-Image is the way you think about yourself. How you feel about yourself (Self-Esteem) is that deep, underlying sense of how significant, confident, and worthwhile you feel about yourself and is more important to your emotional well-being than your self-image (how others see you and you think of yourself). Self- esteem is the basis of your faith in yourself, hope in yourself, and love of yourself. When your self-faith, self-hope, and self-love are threatened or inadequate, you begin to relate to all of life with insecurity, and this is a setup for addictive behavior.
        Low Self-Esteem (LSE), correctly understood, is the first stage of all life-dominating and emotional problems. It arises from some form of dysfunctional family upbringing or inadequate social and psychological development. LSE results in an inability to accept oneself (one's SELF) emotionally. It reflects an inability to be in touch with oneself emotionally or to be self-rejecting in some way because when we are children, feelings equal myself.
        Having one's emotions and feelings acknowledged, understood, accepted, and responded to gives the young child an adequate and acceptable SELF or Self-Esteem. Not having his feelings acknowledged or accepted by others or himself establishes a rift or inner separation. This all emerges from some form of dysfunctionality in the family environment. It has been said that the three rules of a dysfunctional family are, "Don't feel, don't talk about your feelings, don't trust others or your feelings." In such a family low self-esteem is formed; a root condition for Christians struggling with sexual addictiveness.

Low self-esteem is formed in childhood as a result of negative situations the child experiences such as the following. You might want to check, underline or mark the ones that apply to you:
• • Receiving an inordinate amount of criticism
• • Failing to receive affection, support, respect, and/or encouragement
• • Being constantly teased, picked on, or laughed at
• • Being the target of verbal, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse
• • Receiving overly strict, cruel, or age-inappropriate punishment
• • Being expected to be the emotional support for the parent
• • Being ridiculed for thoughts, perceptions, or performance
• • Having parents consistently take the side of others against the child
• • Being shamed when alone or in front of others
• • Being neglected because parents are too busy or emotionally unavailable
• • Having their feelings be consistently ignored and discounted
• • Being negatively compared to other siblings or other children in the community
• • Being threatened with abandonment
• • Being abandoned and/or unwanted
• • Not being allowed to participate in school activities, play with neighbors and friends, or do normal things other kids do.
• • Being blamed for the parent's current problems
• • Being told "You were a mistake!"
• • Being treated as an adult with expectations beyond the child's capabilities.
• • Not being taught appropriate social skills
• • Not being encouraged in school and other personal endeavors
• • Being ill as a child and unable to participate in normal activities

Self-esteem is a sense of how I feel about myself, my worth, my significance, my lovableness, my adequacy. When an adequate sense of self-esteem is not achieved, low self-esteem results. Renewing an acceptance of one's self is an important step in maturity and the resolution of sexual compulsiveness.
        Last, your Spirit or Heart! I am in touch with my ideals, morals, values and God the Holy Spirit. Can I hear the Spirit voice of Jesus speak in my heart. Am I remaining sensitive and alive and receptive to His voice?
        In 1 Cor 2: 6 We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. 7No, we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. 8None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. 9However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"[b]— 10but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. 12We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.

        

4.With WORK

- I am engaged in Work for a living which I find meaningful and rewarding beyond just it’s monetary value. I also have Avocations or hobbies, interests that please me. And, importantly, I also have a Vocation or ministry as a Christian who serves others in some way.
        First, your Work! Do you have a job for livelihood which is financially adequate, rewarding, interesting and fulfilling?
        Every person must find some fulfillment in what they do for a living. What you do for a living is called WORK. We have discovered that some SAMs are not feeling fulfilled and happy in their work. This is a phenomenon which we have observed over and over again! It is that so many are career dissatisfied, delayed or diverted. What do we mean?
        We simply mean that for some reason or reasons, many SAMs have never found the work in life which brings them true fulfillment. They are dissatisfied with what they are doing, or they have delayed doing what they think would be more fulfilling, or they have been diverted to do a work which they simply fell into or gravitated toward for some reason.
        Why? Was it because they were so preoccupied with their sexuality issues? Was it because they could not find role models of their same gender to whom they could turn for career interests?
        Many are doing work which is displeasing to them. They are unfulfilled in their work. Others have often used so much emotional energy on their emotional growth that they were unable to invest in their careers appropriately. What about yourself? Are you doing the work which satisfies you?
        Next, your Vocation! Have you discovered your spiritual gifts and are you engaged in some ministry ot service which benefits the members of the Body of Christ?
        There is more to a man’s productiveness than work. There is Vocation. Vocation means “calling”. Vocation has to do with the fact that all saved Christians are called by God in one way or another to serve His kingdom. There are no exceptions to this! If you are a Christian, you are called "unto good works". Vocation for the Christian is work for God's kingdom. Every Christian man and woman, and especially overcomers, should seek and understand what is their "calling" or vocation. It will bless you and help you gain perspective on yourself and how God is working in your life.
         Paul says in Ephesians 2:10, "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them."
        Take hold of this truth: God ordained certain good works wherein we would walk. Not only did He ordain them before the world was created. Before every good work which we perform, He gave us the power and desire so that His eternal counsel would be fulfilled in the smallest detail.
        We should thank him for giving us that which we could not even want to receive. We owe Him thanks for all of our salvation as well as for all of our natural possessions and talents. We are, indeed, saved by grace, not by our works, but have been called to perform works for God's kingdom. It was Martin Luther who made the statement, "We are justified by faith alone, but not by a faith that is alone." What he meant was that true faith will always demonstrate itself by good works. James, the brother of Jesus, and the leader of the First Church of Jerusalem said... James 2:26 26 “As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds (or works) is dead.”
         So, works of service and ministry have a real place in the life of a person who has been given salvation. In reality, works or good deeds, prove that salvation has really come to a person.
        We have been prepared for the Master's use. That is one of the main reasons why God hasn't transported you and me to heaven yet. We've still got a job to do for Him, on earth. In a world that is so needy, we could get overwhelmed by all the good that needs to be done. But we don't have to be overwhelmed. We just have to make ourselves available and God will show us through His Spirit in us, what he wants us to do.
        Last, your Avocation! Every balanced person needs some talent, skill, pastime or hobby in which they can invest a lot of their enjoyment, not for profit. What's yours?
        Even the man who is highly satisfied with his work needs something more. He at least one avocation. Avocations are the spontaneous or planned interests, activities, recreations and hobbies that are mostly play and enjoyment. It is always healthy for SAMs to develop avocations in order to counteract their usual seriousness, morbidness, and over-concentration on self. Avocations give a balance to a man’s productive, creative life needs. All work and no play, makes you a dull person. Avocational interests, hobbies and pastimes bring lightness and joy into a person’s life. They allow him to channel “passion” into wholesome, healthy areas.
        One man says, “I am part of a group of dedicated individuals that care for a special place in the history of my home town. It’s our local Civil War cemetery. Many of our founding families and their sons are buried here and they have many stories to tell.”
        Another says, “I am a Ham radio operator. Since 9/11, we have all started to think more seriously about possible terrorism attacks. Should such attacks occur, Ham radio operators could be of great assistance throughout the world during emergencies. Today, with our dependence on electricity to communicate, amateur radio has become even more important.”
        Other leisure-time endeavors are hands-on activities, such as gardening, bowling, woodworking, coin collecting, book restoring, painting, music, and photography. Do you have a passionate avocation? It could give your life needed balance.

        Love of God, love of neighbor as we love ourselves! Jesus mentions these first three in Matthew 28:32-40, when he tells the lawyer that the first priority of life is to love the Lord God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength; and our neighbors, as we love ourselves. There you see God, Others and Self.

When these four areas are content, fulfilled, and satisfied, you feel vitalized, fully, functionally alive. You feel that you are living a good life. You are content with your Self, with God, with important Others and with your Work in life. At such times it's unlikely that you will engage in sexual sinning. Of course you cannot always be vitalized in all of these areas, and that's the problem for all people. Those four areas are always facing challenges, changes and choices which destabilize you for shorter or longer periods of time. But if you have learned to work with your INSIDE and OUTSIDE strategies more functionally, you will less likely resort to sinful, self-destructive behavior.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 2 Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure. (1 John 3)

     ___________Assignment____________      

Please keep notes in a notebook or in a Word Document on your computer. What have you learned about yourself in this reading? What kind of new action does this suggest? Consider these issues: Have you done all the necessary cleaning house and closing doors work? Take a moment and reflect on the list given! For the next two weeks, be very Self-Vigilant and record the kinds and frequency of ways in which you indulge the sexual. Have you examined your "Windows" and have you considered "The Thirty Day Fast"? For this month try to stay completely in the BOX, (especially as regards masturbation) and report the results in your weekly email for this month. What kinds of improvements can and did you make in your relationships with Others, Self and Work? What questions and issues do you have for our discussion? Reflect on Matthew 4:1-11, John 16:33. Write out your thoughts in a word document. Then highlight, copy and paste them into an email, or send by post if you prefer. Just use your initials. Send to         wconsiglio2@comcast.net Dr Bill Consiglio, 876 Shepard Ave, Hamden CT 06514