Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil

What’s wrong with Me? Vitalization?
It’s estimated that thousands of Christians have sexual sin problems. Christians at every rank and level of the church and life are caught in the devil’s grip of sexual impulsive and compulsive behavior. It afflicts pastors and ministers, and one estimate hypothesizes that some 2-8% of every congregation are so troubled. The evil one is bringing so many Christians down through sexual failure, destroying their spiritual walk, making ministries fruitless, wrecking marriages and families, and causing havoc in their emotional, psychological and social lives. The sexual compulsions of Christians is perhaps the best kept secret in the Evangelical Christian community.


     "What's wrong with me?" "Why am I a person who gets so caught up in sexual sin"? Have you asked those questions of yourself? I hope you have because facing the fact that something's wrong is a sign of someone who is facing the truth about himself. It's also a sign that you're listening to the Holy Spirit and are willing to be honest with yourself. It's a very good sign, and a good foundation for your healing and change.
     Men who find themselves caught in sinful sexual behavior, whether briefly or addictively, share a basic similarity. It has to do with how “vitalized” or “devitalized” they feel from hour to hour, day to day. What do we mean by the term “vitalized” and “devitalized”?
     Every person tries to maintain a psychological, emotional and spiritual state of wellbeing. A sense of feeling alive, rewarded, motivated, interested in life, hopeful,optimistic, joy, peace, and invested in things which bring satisfaction and fulfillment. He tries to maintain a positive sense of intimacy and closeness to some few others and to God (whether he realizes God is part of the equation or not). We all try to keep a balance of these things against too much pressure, stress, disorder, confusion, hopelessness, diappointment and dissatisfaction. In fact there are Four Areas in which we, as Christians, try to maintain a sense of ongoing life vitalization. They are God, Others, Self, and Work. We will examine these authentic vitalizing relationships in detail in Learnings 5-6.

Devitalized and Pseudo-Vitalized!

           Sexually Addictive Men (SAM's) often experience a continuous state of internal emotional emptiness, aloneness, isolation, and feeling un-alive. He does not feel alive inside. There is a missing sense of contentment, peace, fulfillment and comfort with one’s inner self. Real clinical depression may also be a present (for which he may need medication) but depression is only a part of the more global feeling of devitalization or of emptiness.
           He feels untouched personally. There is a wall around his private emotional self. He feels that he can’t touch others intimately or feel intimacy with himself, or even with God. This inner wall always makes him feel somewhat un-real; as if he is never fully being real and present. Life is happening to others but not to himself.
          Here’s another way of describing the devitalized SAM. Picture yourself drawing a circle with a pencil on a blank piece of paper. The circular line of the circle is the circumference; the outer, peripheral part of the circle. The area within the circular line is the substance. Shade in this area lightly. This is the shaded, substantial area.
          The devitalized SAM is like this circle. He lives on the circumference of life. The circumference is the outer, insubstantial, fleeting pleasures and pastimes of life. But his inner substantial, spiritual and psychological-emotional center is somewhat empty (the shaded area). It is not completely empty (for then it would be unshaded).
           Since he is not experiencing vital relationships with others, work or God, he turns in to the Self to seek vitalization, but his center or substance is somewhat empty. He finds little there to sustain him. He probably and often is emotionally rich and very emotionally intense and sensitive but this is walled off. So he learns to pseudo-vitalize himself with sex. That is, he tries to come to life by using sex. While sexual pleasure, joy and excitement with another person in marriage is a gift from God, the SAM uses sex in an exaggerated and distorted way. He is too dependent on sex for his source of (pseudo) vitalization. He does this because he is a Devitalized person; someone who is unable to obtain a sense of aliveness from God, his mature Self, from Others and Work.

Some Characteristics of the Devitalized Person!

           There are a number of characteristic devitalized ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. Together, these form a lifestyle; a mode of living which is restricting, detached, disengaged, guarded, and unfulfilling. A lifestyle that turns to sex for a false sense of aliveness. As we'll see in Learning 5, it is not a matter of just changing sexual behavior but a whole way of orienting to life, others, oneself and God which needs changing in order to effect change in the addictive lifestyle.
          Look over this list and see if these are characteristic ways you orient to yourself, others, your work and God. Devitalized people are like this:
  1. They are more intellectual, cognitive, and “heady”, rather than intimate, emotional and feeling. They lead from their heads!
  2. They tend to be verbal or non-verbal in their engagement of their world rather than physical and tactile.
  3. They are often too calculating, planful, plodding, controlled, and cautious rather than spontaneous, free, unrestricted.
  4. They tend toward closing themselves within introverted self-contained boundaries and space and are not interactive and openly engaged with others enough; making it difficult to be touched by others.
  5. Likewise they are often unreceptive; they don’t allow themselves to receive nurturing, praise, approval from others graciously.
  6. Their interactions tend toward the impersonal rather than the real sharing of their personal, private, inner selves. They frequently don't like to engage in small talk. (barber shop talk)
  7. They are not very openly appreciative of others and tend toward taking others for granted.
  8. They are not affirming enough of others; giving compliments or showing recognition that others are worthwhile in themselves. People are often seen as objects which either suit them and fit into their lives or don’t, rather then individuals of worth in their own right. In the extreme, they "use" people.
  9. They carry a basic underlying distrust or fear of people and their motives and reactions. They are therefore un-trusting and cautious, suspecting that people will disappoint them and be unreliable.
  10. They do not express love easily, or allow love to resonate deeply within them, or use the word “love” easily.
  11. They do not nurture themselves well. They don’t know how to authentically care for and respect themselves in satisfying ways.
  12. They often live in the urgency and busyness of the foreground of life’s responsibilities without keeping that balanced with the background of the meaning, beauty and enjoyment of the ordinary, the common, the natural environment. They don't smell the flowers!
  13. They engage in a certain degree of self-deception, secrecy, hiddenness, and dishonesty with themselves and others. They reserve a reservoir of fabrications, myths, fairy tales, exaggerations, cover-ups about themselves. They have a difficult time really letting their faults, failures, and weaknesses show to anyone. They are troubled by and sometimes filled with shame. Sex is a private world to which they can escape and from which they can feel alive for a moment. Not very transparent!
  14. Their relationship to God is sometimes contaminated by many of the above characteristics, so that their prayer life may not feel authentic and from the heart but rather superficial or artificial, legalistic, and from a sense of obligation. This in turn causes them to feel that God is unreal, displeased with them and remote, especially since they feel ashamed and guilty for having failed God. They may have a real difficulty with "feeling" God as "Father" and Jesus as a Friend and Brother; or the Holy Spirit as a present, indwelling Companion and Counselor.
  15. They are up and down, inconsistent, and often unmoved in their approach to God’s Word or give up searching His Word altogether, instead of simply being open to God’s Spirit speaking to them heart-to-heart as they receive and personalize His Word.

Why Compulsive or Inapproriate Sex?

     Of all the possible positive things that can bring a wholesome sense of vitalization to one’s life, sexually addictive or sexually preoccupied people are people who have learned to achieve that sense of “vitalization” through the excitement and intensity of sex in one form or another. Not the joyful, loving normal sex a man has with his wife, but sex which is more compulsive and often more inappropriate or unusual than the norm. And, of course, sinful, in terms of God's biblical standards! They "need" sex! They depend on sex for feeling good about themselves.
     But why do you turn to inappropriate sex? Because you do not have one or more of the Four relationships, (see illustration) or because those relationships are not providing a satisfying sense of vitalization. You must look to what's wrong with those four relationships and their relational dimensions to diagnose the root causes of your sexual behavior. Root causes lead to the fruit of sexual behavior. Sex becomes the learned and re-enforced substitute for the vitalization you should be experiencing from your four relationships. Something may be blocking you from giving and receiving in those four vital relationships. What's blocked may have originated from events and experiences in childhood.

     You ask what? Why? How did this tendency to use sex as an inapproprite source of vitalization begin? The origin for the tendency to turn to compulsive and inappropriate sex for a sense of vitalization may have had many origins: sexual abuse in childhood, early sexual over-stimulation, early exposure to pornography, sexual repression and misinformation, or poor sexual identity formation.
     For many it is an immature understanding of sexuality having to do with sex being associated with secrecy, shame, guilt, embarrassment, badness and over-stimulation. Seeing yourself as a sexual person, admitting to your sexuality may have become unacceptable to your self-esteem or self-image, and therefore became hidden and denied. What is repressed or suppressed develops a degree of intensity and urgency. And so, you may have come to learn to turn to sex (this hidden, secret, suppressed thing) to feel vitalized and to avoid feeling “devitalized”. Sex made you feel tranquil, peaceful, relieved. And frequently compulsive masturbation was a reenforcement of this sexual learning.

     And now as a Christian you find yourself in a battle (Romans 7, Ephesians 6) between the sexual flesh-sin side, on which you have relied for a sense of vitalization, and the Spirit side which opposes addictive or inappropriate sex. Where will your vitalization come from? The Flesh or the Spirit? This is the battle you are engaged in!
     Paul says, “So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”

     The diagram shows this warfare over vitalized living. Sin and the Spirit are opposed to each other. See Gal 5:16-25.

John is Exposed!

The Sunday service was especially moving for Rosalie. She felt very close to the Lord as she and her husband John worshiped that morning. But things began to change when they went to the coffee hour following the service. Rosalie's best friend pulled her aside. There were tears in her eyes. She told her that the doctor suspected that she had advanced breast cancer. With difficulty speaking, Marge had to pause frequently to wipe away tears as she described the doctor's insistence that she would need a double mastectomy. Rosalie hugged her, cried with her and prayed with her briefly, telling Marge that she would be with her through it all. But Rosalie went home that morning with a heavy heart, not knowing the crisis she herself would be facing soon.

John had gone out for the afternoon, and she went online on the internet to learn more about breast cancer and mastectomies. She seldom used the computer. It was really her husband John who used it almost exclusively. She started to type in the word "breast cancer" in the search engine. But as she completed the word "breast" a list of references to "breast" popped up on the drop down search memory.

Rosalie clicked on one after another to discover that each was a site showing naked women and pornographic scenes of sexual encounters between men and women. Her face turned red and she caught her breath. First she thought that it must be an accidental computer glitch, then she forced herself to consider that John had visited these sites. She went to the computer's search link and typed in "breast". She was shocked to find three folders full of photos and video clips of men and women in sexually explicit behavior!

There was no longer the possibility of denial. She realized that these must be web sites which John had visited. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. She couldn't believe what this was telling her about John. That night she confronted John. They spoke for over three hours and he confessed in shame that he had a long-standing problem with pornography.
When Christian men become caught up in sexual compulsions, they are unable to think straight. They may be top executives and managers at work, supervising and directing others, and effectively solving business problems all day. But when sexual impulses arise they are caught in a trance. They are so wrapped up in the compulsions of sexual fantasies and behaviors, and the guilt, shame, discouragement and remorse they experience, that they can't see things objectively. A major assistance to Sexually Addicted Men (SAM) is the objectivity a counselor brings to the situation. He helps SAM see what's going on inside, how he's responding, where he must intervene, and how to manage sexual impulses.

This was the beginning of the end for John. The chain of events that led Marge to tell Rosalie about her breast cancer, and for Rosalie to search the computer, led to the discovery of John's addiction and the decision for John to get help. John knew atminimum that he needed strict accountability. Arranged by the providence of God, saved by the blood of Jesus, and led by the Spirit of Truth, the Lord would demonstrate to John and Rosalie that "The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. But Jesus says, "My purpose is to give life in all its fullness. No one will snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. So no one can take them from me"." (John 10) John learned that "the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance". (Psalm 64:14)

The Father loves you

Remember, you are no stranger to God. You are his creation. He knows every blood vessel and blind spot, every burden and bone in you. Your Father God knows you thoroughly and cares for you intensely. He knows your name and you belong to Him. No matter who you are, how broken and weak you are, and what a failure you have been, no matter what kind of baggage you have to carry or how terrible you feel, no matter what you've done or continue to do, you are in the palm of His hand. He loves you no matter what you do or don't do.

For a Christian, any sexual behavior outside the marital relationship between a man and a woman is sin. When we mention sin, we are recognizing that sexual problems are both related to man's sin nature and that they are offenses which alienate a person from God. Sexual sin - perhaps more than other sins - contaminates what was a fervent and intimate relationship to the Lord, reducing it to a cold and devitalized fellowship. It quenches and muffles the voice of Jesus’ Spirit within and makes a Christian’s heart insensitive and hard. It dulls your spiritual sensitivity and makes you numb and spiritually bland.

There is no awful, disgusting, shameful sexual act you have engaged in which makes Him repulsed by you. He knows all that is in man. He knows how cunning the devil is, and how weak a man can be. You don't have to become a prefect person or some kind of saint to please Him. All He wants of you is a response of honesty, obedience and trust in Him because He is your Father, and you are His child. All you ever need to do is be truthful with Him. Tell Him everything, hold back nothing! As you go through this program, keep your heart open to Him. Let Him be your Counselor and Teacher and Physician. Tell Him all about your sexual struggles, and let Him use this program to begin your healing.


Summary and Review

          Let's pull this Learning together.
           There is a need in everyone's life to feel a sense of being alive, fulfilled and satisfied. We call this being "Vitalized"! There are legitimate and wholesome, God-given intended ways to maintain a sense of vitalization. Namely, through four vitalizing relationships: God, Self, Others, and Work. But some people learn early in life, for various reasons, to look to sexual experience for a primary source of vitalization. These are the people who become SAM's as adults.
           But inappropriate, distorted and immature sex becomes a monster which takes over a person's life, as all addictions do. And our enemy, Satan, is only too pleased to bind you in your addiction because he knows that it will be a major stronghold that blocks your relationship to God and your spiritual growth.
           Sex becomes a pseudo-vitalizing source and keeps a person locked into a state of devitalization. You need to face this reality truthfully. You need to understand the dynamics of true vitalization, and pseudo-vitalization as they operate in yourself. This is a foundation of self-awareness leading to your healing and recovery.

Thank you Lord, for victory! Jesus' death on the cross and his resurrection from the dead assure me of victory in this life and the life to come. Death and sin no longer have any sting, the grave and sin have no victory. Thanks be to God who gives the victory through Jesus Christ my Lord.
The accuser of the brethren seeks to defeat me, but you have already defeated him Lord. Don't let me be fooled by him for I have victory over him through your blood, and by the word of my testimony! In your Name Jesus, with your blood Jesus, by your cross Lord, I cannot fail!

     ___________Assignment____________      
        Please keep notes in a notebook or in a Word Document on your computer. Respond to these issues, one each week:
  1. Do you understand the idea of "Vitalization"? Explain it in your own experience! Reflect/Respond to Psalm 37:7-9
  2. Discuss Devitalization as it applies to you! In the Flesh/Spirit diagram, which one are you most like currently? A, B, C, D? Reflect/Respond to Psalm 37:3-7
  3. Discuss yourself in relation to "Why Compulsive or Inappropriate Sex? Reflect/Respond to Is 55: 5-7.
  4. What are you working on this month which emerged from this material? What questions and issues do you have for our discussion? Reflect/Respond to Psalm 86:5-7
Write out your thoughts in a word document. Then highlight, copy and paste them into an email, or send by post if you prefer. Just use your initials. Send to         wconsiglio2@comcast.net
Dr Bill Consiglio, 876 Shepard Ave, Hamden CT 06514